We are moving on Aug 2nd so I was trying to lay low in our ward so I wouldn't have to give a talk before we leave. Sadly, I got called on Sunday night at 9pm to give a talk this Sunday on "Blessings of Sacrifice". The following speaker will be the Bishop. As I have been thinking of things to talk about (you can help me if you want and post ideas) I came up with a list of things that I won't start off my talk with:
Top Ten Things Not to Start My Talk off with:
10. Hello my name is Laura and I'm an alcoholic.
9. Recently I sent a letter to President Monson regarding why the women can't hold the Priesthood. Since I never heard back from him I went to UT and visited him. To make a long story short President Monson took out a restraining order against me.
8. I was asked to speak on "Blessings of Sacrifice" but I feel inspired to talk about John McCain and Barack Obama.
7. A few nights ago I was listening to the Temple Endowment Session on my Ipod and it felt like I was there. My sister recorded the endowment session a few years ago and now I can listen to it whenever I feel inspired.
6. I was asked to talk about "Blessings of Sacrifice" but I noticed that some sisters don't wear their garments correctly. So lets start off with Sister Miller. Can you stand up please? If you notice her garments must be altered because her skirt is above her knee. Garments are supposed to go to the knee. I am taking notes for you Bishop.
5. *Pull out a plant* I used to be like this plant - Happy and Flourishing but now I'm like this plant (*pull out a dead plant*) because I don't pay my tithing.
4. Funny story. Last night I was at a bar and someone came up to me......
3. Hi, I would like to introduce myself. I have been in this ward for 8 months but I prefer to stay at home and read scriptures rather then going to church. I am preparing to move out so I was hoping for help from the Elder's Quorum.
2. *Hold up Papers* I went to anti-Mormon websites to prepare this talk. I wanted to have "both sides" represented so I don'tt appear to be biased.
1. I think the Bishop asked me to give a talk because he just wanted to check out my runner's butt!
1 comment:
H AH HA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAH!!!!! LOOOLLLLLL!!!!! THESE ARE GENIUS!!
I loved the "I want to represent both sides" and "I'm taking notes for the bishop."
However, the plant joke NEVER GETS OLD. NEVER. Make sure to refer to the plant continuously throughout the talk.
"and here is me, thinking about using my tithing for my soda fund instead" *pluck off a leaf, and watch it slowly sail to the ground*
I had so much fun texting you about this. Every text I opened it up and laughed.
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