Yes, I'm that Person on Ebay

My brother in law Jason is awesome at selling things on ebay. I'm not so good because no one really bids on my items. (Sadly one time I tried to sell my "once used leather pants on ebay" and I didn't even get .99 cents) I guess I don't have any "desirable items" that the "general public" wants. So I decided to get creative to make some money for Christmas. I have posted an ad on ebay to give daily emails to the highest bidder. Yes, I know it is a pathetic attempt but I don't really have a life besides taking care of my kids and drinking Dr.Pepper. So I can commit to write daily emails for a month. In exchange the money will go towards my kids' Christmas presents. So please check out my "item" and give me ideas on how to make it more desirable. Here is a list of "not useful advice" that I already thought of:

1. I will not wear a swimsuit in the posting because I want people to bid on it and not scare them away
2. I will not advertise I have anything intelligent to say
3. I cannot give false statements like "I look good in leather pants" or "I am a size 10". (Lets be realistic....)
4. I have to mention I was high school royalty because that fact will never die
5. I can't wear clothes with holes in them because no one wants to see what the clothes are hiding
6. I can't take a picture of me smiling when I'm standing in front of a picture of Jesus....it would look too staged.
7. I can't take a picture of me when I'm reading the Book of Mormon. Although that is the majority of the time. So the real question is "When CAN I take a picture of me when I'm not reading the Book of Mormon?"
8. I can't sell any of my children
9. I can't sell my Dr.Pepper
10. I am willing to sell our 14 year old cat Fronzie. (His hair is falling out, poops in the same spot in the grass every day, he is losing his memory and only eats two cans of cat food a day.) Think I would have any takers?

Here is the link....http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170570178314