Today I started potty training Peyton and am extremely sleep deprived because of her chronic cough at night. So not the best combination to start potty training but I decided to anyways. My patience was already at its last thread and then Peyton threw a horrible tantrum over wanting to wear an Ariel tank top. She started kicking me in the stomach and I got really mad. So I turned her over and spanked her three times hard on her bottom. It was like rapid fire...bam bam bam. Then I realized she didn't have the cushion of her diaper on. I didn't hit her really hard but it really scared me. We don't really spank in our family because I am afraid that I will get upset and hurt my kids. It is a fear that I've had since before I was even pregnant with Luke. I didn't hurt Peyton but it caused me to get really down and depressed about how I don't have enough patience right now. This is why I wanted two daughters in case I screwed up with one I had a back up.
What made me even more sad was when Peyton crawled in my arms and cuddled with me. She still wanted to be with me even though I spanked her over a tank top. This is why I am on Lexapro when I'm not pregnant. It helps me not reach that level of craziness. Is it sad that I miss being on a drug? I have always had a temper and have worked hard on controlling it but today I scared myself. I could have hurt my daughter and I would have forever remembered that.
2 comments:
ah, yes, the "break of patience" problem... my break is usually verbal, yelling... yesterday screaming at my kids. Not pretty. Then i had a good long talk with my mom, and remembered how many times we were yelled at, smacked, spanked... and still turned out ok. We all loose patience, no matter how hard we try. I think it's of more importance how we respond to our mistakes and treat our kids afterwards that leaves the lasting impact.
You didn't lose your patience over a tank top, you lost your patience over her hitting you in your pregnant stomach. Don't beat yourself up over it. EVERY Mom loses it with children now and again. And it was wrong of her to hit you in your belly. And though, you didn't respond how you wanted, chalk it up to experience and have a plan of what you want to do when you feel yourself slipping. You're a wonderful Mom. :)
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